My Lowest Point.

I’m currently having an anxiety attack and had an emotional breakdown a few minutes ago . Its the second night in a row where I have dropped to the ground and just broke down completely because I have been living in fear. The pain anxiety brings is a different type of pain I’ve experienced in my life. My panic attacks make me feel like a demon is tricking my mind into thinking that I will stop breathing, just so he could drag me down to hell with him. I’m currently publishing this blog because I want to educate other people on anxiety. I also want to dedicate this to anyone that has experienced this type of pain and anyone who is currently experiencing it. This year has been incredibly rough for my family and I, but somehow, since I was in middle school, I have had the tendency to overthink every little situation in my mind (which has been so unhealthy). Since I lost my grandfather, my overthinking has become more serious and deep. From missing people in my life that I can’t see anymore, to overthinking about my fears. I feel depressed at some moments. I hate that I feel like I’d be an embarrassment if anybody were to see me having an anxiety attack. I don’t want to get mocked or starred at. I don’t want to get yelled at and I don’t mean to yell at anyone because of this. Iv’e had to leave class early, miss a few dance events which would keep me from seeing my best friends, and I missed my good friend’s birthday party and made an excuse for why I couldn’t go (this is the real reason Ryan. I still love you my good friend. Happy Birthday). I think in my case, what worries me the most is my little sister seeing me have emotional breakdowns and angry outbursts frequently because of my anxiety. I love her so much and I still thank my grandfather for saving her life cause she truly is amazing. I really don’t want to be distanced from anyone because of this, I just want to feel normal again. I don’t want my youngest sister Julie to experience what I feel because that would kill me inside. I don’t want anyone in my family to experience this or my friends. If my friends or family are currently feeling this same way, please don’t hesitate to reach me so we could both talk things out and hopefully make each other feel better in the process. I’m not searching for sympathy. I want my friends and family to know how I’m feeling cause I don’t want anyone to be confused if I’m not at a specific event or if I get embarrassed and leave (somewhere we both happen to be at). I don’t know why I let my anxiety absorb me. I’ve never dealt with something like this before. I feel like I don’t want to talk as much as I used to anymore because I always feel the need to ask people around me “Am I okay?” “Is this supposed to happen with anxiety?” “Will my throat close up?”, “Will my heart stop beating?”etc. Alot of the symptoms (that are common with anxiety) that I feel are a tightness of the throat, irregular heartbeat, sweating of the palms,detachment from reality, and I always feel the need to shake at least one part of my body like my arms or legs cause I find it difficult to sit still. I’ll cry out of anger, frustration, and sadness because I don’t want anyone to see me during my panic attacks. I don’t want to relive that humiliating experience of waiting to be seen in the hospital because I thought I was going to die that night. Iv’e had people be angry with me because of my panic and my inability to control my thoughts. I need help but I don’t know where to get it from anymore. I feel like I have tried everything from yoga, to meditation, to just forcing myself to fall asleep at an earlier time. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. Or maybe it’s my insomnia that has created the terrifying images in my mind. For years, I have tried to show a more confident side of myself trying to prove myself to people claiming that I don’t care what others think of me. But the truth is, I always care. I hate my mind for it’s ways of tricking me into constantly thinking about the negative experiences that I have gone through. I hate my mind for replaying all of the negative things that have been said to me over the years and replaying these awful comments like a broken record. I hate that I have to pay this expensive hospital bill from when I was admitted because of my panic attack. Because of this bad habit of overthinking about everything, including the pointless hospital bill I have to pay, I have been made into someone that is living in shame. I have been told that this feeling lasts for a while in some cases and I don’t want to live this way anymore. I want it to be all over and not last another day. I understand that everyone goes through positive and negative criticism in life, but I want to learn how to not care anymore. I want to just live life without excessive worries. To close this off, I want to thank my readers so far even though this is only my second time blogging. I want to also conclude this by saying that I believe it would help me to hear about other individual’s experiences with this type of pain. Whether it’s a comment underneath my blog, or a message through social media, I would greatly appreciate it. Again, thank you.

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One thought on “My Lowest Point.

  1. Olivia you are one of the most strongest people I’ve ever met. You are going through roughy times right now and it won’t last forever. I am always here for you when you need that shoulder to cry on or that person you can rant to about anything. Anxiety is tough and all you can do is be patient with it and do that that make you happy and look at the beauty of this world. Olivia, you are not a burden you just need to realize someone people just won’t understand what you are exactly going through. You just need to focus getting through this rough time in life and focus on making you heal. I’m always a person to talk to if you ever need help❤️ Love u Olivia

    Liked by 1 person

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